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It’s a number of things. From not understanding my own gender, to physically feeling like the world hardly exists. I’m not sure of the proper definition, or terminology, but based on the light research I’ve done, it seems like this is depersonalization. Lately I’ve been noticing that I have to constantly bring myself back to reality and remind myself that this is no mere dream, movie, or video game. The present day is the present and I must treat it as such. I’ve been allowing these days to run by that I find that little is affecting me in a way. Death is even starting to seem comforting.
In a sense, I wish to not exist. Not in a suicidal way, but in a way that I just don’t want to be around. I’m bored and want to leave. It’s as simple as that. My life isn’t horrible, I’m a pretty decent student, and my parents are great. I have many blessings and opportunities that I hardly even use, so why waste them? Why stick around? I don’t make my days count so what am I around for? I don’t plan on ending my life, but when I look at life through that sort of lens I realize I’ve lost a purpose. (Which I’ve accepted, come to terms with, and honestly isn’t phased by.)
As I’ve previously mentioned with my gender, I feel as I’m a girl since that’s what I’ve been born with, but there are times I wish I was a boy. I’ve been interested in guys (not romantically) but more observant. I sort of want that, but I feel like my insecurities play into that want and that’s not something I feel like I should base my gender on. I’d never want to base my gender on my low self esteem. I want it to be something I 100% need to feel my most self. (I also struggle with identify, so I don’t know how much it’ll help.) I’ve tested using he/him pronouns and I like them, but is that enough?
Im tired of feeling stuck.
Starting from the beginning of your post, if you want to know for sure if you have a diagnosis, instead of researching yourself, go to a professional and find out if you have some kind of diagnosis. Maybe it will be depersonalization or maybe something else. A professional would not only be able to diagnosis you, but also start the process of getting you help for whatever it turns out to be.
I understand that you are not suicidal, but should that ever change you would need to reach out for help. The NJ Hopeline or 988 which is the Suicide Prevention Lifeline would be able to help you. If you do seek a professional's opinion, they would also be able to help you work on why you are feeling this way. And finally, it sounds like you are learning more and more about yourself and trying new things to see what you are comfortable with. That's great. Continue to take steps you are comfortable with and learn more and more about who you are. If you take a step and it turns out to not feel right you can always just back up and stop doing whatever that was. The key thing is to do things you are comfortable with and to continue to learn more and more about yourself. You can also call or text us at 888-222-2228.
This is a safe space to share what's on your mind and to get support from real people.
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