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Hi, second floor. I am 18, a woman, and ive used this platform before to talk about anxiety and depression, but now I see a therapist and I am on meds so that part is slowly getting better. Yet theres a part that feels too,, gross?? to talk to her about I guess. It has to do with my sexuality.
Its a big long story but I currently identify as Bi and I have for four years. I am out to all of my friends. my mom found out, threatened to kill me, and pretended it never happened.
yet, despite being so confident in this label, ive started to feel othered, or different, even compared to other bi people. This is when it gets TMI which is why im here. Up until sophmore year, ive had crushes. strong, and serious crushes. I felt all the feelings but they suddenly stopped, and I think it had to do with the start of my depression (lack of sexual attraction etc)
Ever since then, ive felt attracted to men and women, but only areas from the stomach up and a bit emotionally.
For some reason, I am repulsed by bottom genitalia. Like. The vulva and the penis. As you probably know, when teenagers talk about being horny online or whatever, thats usually what they talk about being attracted to but it sort of grosses me out.
okokok now its really tmi and I understand if you dont respond but. Im sort of grossed out by my own genitalia too, and I cannot imagine someone putting their face, hands, or other parts there. im not sure if its some fucked up self esteem issue or me just not wanting penetration but yeah. its very fucking weird.
Its even more weird for me because im currently in art school and I have friends (women loving woman) who constantly talk about their girlfriends and what they do with eachother, and although I know im attracted to boobs and whatever, that stuff freaks me out. (not that theyre doing it, but me doing it. like. i like girls but im so scared for some reason. either that itll never happen or ill mess it up or im just not good enough )
Theres also been this sort of weird rumor/secret in my family that I may have been assaulted when I was 4 by my best friends parents and I remember none of it. I do remember going to therapy, but nothing else. I have a weird feeling that maybe that if thays true, it could be some sort of reason why that stuff freaks me out?
Also im sort of ugly and im terrified of someone seeing me and finding me disgusting?? idk. I dont want anyone to see me naked because of how embarrassed I am of myself.

I dont really know what advice im asking for. I just dont know who to speak to about it because I appear kind of innocent and this is sort of a serious and taboo topic to speak about. if there is anything you can pull from this, it would be greatly appreciated. thank you!

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2NDFLOOR

Super Moderator • 5 years, 2 months ago

Trauma can come out in many different forms, whether you remember the experience or not. You could very well be right in saying that this could be from an experience that you had. Although it may not be the easiest conversation to have, it could be worth it to have the conversation with your therapist. Your therapist is the person that could help you to understand why you have these feelings and teach you how to work through them. The therapist is there to help you, not judge you. The only way they can help you is if they have the information. Therapists are professionals in speaking about taboo topics and they typically expect conversations surrounding sexual relations/attractions to arise, these feelings are human nature. If you wish to talk about this or anything else further please remember that 2NDFLOOR is available 24/7 via text or call at 1(888) 222-2228.

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