Family
i’m a 15 year old second year in high school. i’m a girl and i have one sister. mental health is something i know my family struggles with, and i have cousins taking therapy for anxiety/depression problems. only issue is, no one in my immediate family has ever gone to therapy before, and i don’t want to go for mental health. i have a very strong feeling that i was assaulted or abused in someway as a child and blocked it out my whole life. i never thought about when it may have happened, but while talking to my mom about wether or not she thinks im introverted, she brought up how i used to be loud and outgoing but then ‘went quiet’ at around 10-11. i’ve been doing research and found out it’s common for survivors of childhood sexual assault to lose communication abilities as their experience weakens them. there are also instances in the past that i know i did not react to normally. about a month ago i visited my grandma for her birthday. she kissed me goodbye on the neck. i pushed her away and cried in silence the whole car ride home. it made me feel so disgusting but i didn’t know why. i’ve also always had a problem with people touching my back, specifically by my shoulders and neck. once with my family in my room, my dad got on top of the bed while i was on my stomach and sort of pushed me up and down to make me laugh. but the hold he had on my shoulders made me scream and i yelled at everyone to get out of the room. these are only a few instances, but there’s even more that i know i don’t remember. my mom was trying to explain to family why i don’t like having my shoulders touched, and she mentioned asking me if i had every been touched before, but i couldn’t remember her saying that. it’s like all memories of what could’ve happened are impossible for me to reach. anyways, my real question is how could i bring these things up to my family (more specifically my mom) and when would be the right time? i tried before and ended up breaking down, and then we just never spoke about it again. i want to be clear and open about my reasons for wanting therapy as well and i don’t know how to say that either. are there anyways i could force myself to remember either? please help.