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I've called myself depressed before. Maybe that wasn't the right word to describe it because this is the worst I've ever felt. It's been the same cycle every day for the last 2 weeks give or take. Wake up, first thought in my mind is how much I hate myself, second thought is how much everyone else hates me. Go to school, spend the whole day by myself and have no interest in paying attention in any class, caught up in my thoughts thinking about if anyone would notice if I stopped showing up. Drive home, spend the whole rest of the day in my room, not doing anything I used to enjoy. Not playing video games, not reading a book, not going to the firehouse, not playing soccer. The most I can force myself to do is watch videos on my phone or take a nap. I've started to feel sick thinking about eating, and no matter whether or not I end up asleep after school, it takes hours for me to fall asleep at night. My closest friends have stopped talking to me, my sister berates me anytime I speak to her, and my mom is constantly yelling about how much she hates her job.
I am not happy. I don't know the last time I felt happiness that wasn't impeded by immediate thoughts of how much I hate myself or how much I miss my closest friend.
So now I'm left here wondering, is this my first actual depressive episode and what do I actually do about it?
I am so sorry you are going through this and I am glad you reached out to 2ndfloor. We do not diagnose here but I would highly suggest speaking to adult about this. It does sound like your emotional well being is at stake and you could use some support. Maybe try talking to your mom when she is calm and let her know what is going on with you. If you feel like that is not an option, reach out to your school counselor. They are there to help. You can always call or text 2ndfloor for support too. Our number is 888-222-2228. Please reach out to someone for support soon.
This is a safe space to share what's on your mind and to get support from real people.
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