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Disordered Eating
I feel like I’m not skinny enough yet to deserve happiness. Like I had a ed and then I lost a lot but I ended up gaining 7ish lbs cus of over restricting and binging. Currently I am a healthy weight but. I have this number- one I always dreamed of reaching before I could go all in and let myself be happy. It’s about 15lbs less than what I am now. Idk it’s just like- my primary focus is still to be that weight and I feel mostly recovered now in the sense that I’m not scared to gain and I don’t have fear foods but. I just can’t let go of my ambition. It’s like I can’t lock into anything else until I lose this 15lbs. Technically I’m healthy but my confidence is definitely lacking. If I lost the 15lbs I wouldn’t be under weight I’d be leaner for sure but still healthy and sustaining it shouldn’t be to difficult. But my body can’t handle staying in a def for more than 4 days now without panicking and idk what to do about it.
You say yourself in your post what is probably the most important thing..."currently I am a healthy weight." That is what is important. You are putting a lot of focus on a number on a scale, when the weight on a scale is just a number. 125 lbs. (just a random number) for some people might be a perfect weight, for others it might be overweight and for others still it might be underweight. It sounds like you are putting more focus on your "perfect number" than being healthy. Try switching that mindset. A number is just a number, but if your doctor is saying you are healthy and you are 15 lbs away from your "perfect" weight, maybe you want to reconsider that your dream weight isn't healthy for you. Try turning your focus away from numbers and toward health and if your doctors are telling you that your current weight is healthy, try to be happy with that and not worry about hitting a possibly unhealthy goal. If your starting to struggle with eating and weight again (you mentioned you had an ed at one point) maybe some form of counseling would be helpful for you to help adjust your mindset to focusing on health vs. numbers. Good luck and call or chat with us anytime to discuss further.
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