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As I sent before I’m constantly aroused and don’t know what to do. There was two a point where I would go to the bathroom in school and watch porn and it has really affected me because I’m just so aroused all the time and it’s kind of uncomfortable and I know it’s supposed to be normal and it’s supposed to be a healthy and good feeling but I don’t think this is healthy and I don’t think I should be feeling this way every day I mean as embarrassing as it sounds sometimes I can’t control myself as soon as I get home from school the first thing I do because I’m home alone is watch a porn and continue doing other “things” even at night, I already have insomnia and struggle with sleeping and I take sleeping medication which does help significantly but at night I’m constantly watching porn as well which also kind of delays my sleep and doesn’t help me get the rest I do need because I already struggle with sleeping and on a good day, I probably get four hours of sleep on a bad day I get two hours or an hour sleep No joke I’m being so for real. It may sound crazy but that’s literally how my body is but as they said I do Take sleeping medication so it does help me. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. I feel ashamed. I feel disgusted and I’m not lost in life. I’m just lost because I don’t know what to do with these feelings and what’s going on besides school, I even have a job now finally, I’ve been in the right state of mind to get back into work, which is awesome and I’m very proud of myself but even at work it’s awkward because I work with children. I do babysit and I take care of newborns to toddlers and it’s hard to focus, especially on a toddler who takes a lot of your attention when you’re having these feelings, I can’t just go into the bathroom and leave four-year-old by himself also with a baby keeping track of certain things for example, last time I changed them or last time I gave them a bottle I have to remember and write these things down, but of course it interrupts because of these feelings that I’m having It’s annoying because I can’t even do my job correctly i’m a very professional person and I love my job and I love taking care of children, but I don’t know how I’m gonna do this. It’s like a monster who basically follows me wherever I go I go to my room they go to my room I go to school or work and they come with me. I just wanted to go away. I feel little emotional because of it
Try to prepare yourself for things you know are going to be difficult for you. If you have to use the bathroom in school (where you watch porn) leave your phone in your locker or with a friend or trusted adult in the school until you're done. That will remove the opportunity. Same for other areas in your life. If your trigger is being home alone, then go out after school until you know someone will be home or invite someone to your house or maybe see if you could go to another person's house until someone is home at your house. If sleeping is a trigger, leave your phone outside of your room or with a parent or sibling until morning.
Sounds like you are doing what you need to do at your job. If you need to write everything down to make sure you're doing it correctly, do it. There's nothing wrong with that. It will likely get easier and easier for you the longer and longer you are working on yourself. Right now it may be difficult because you are still in the middle of working on yourself, but give yourself time and you'll get where you need to be eventually as long as you keep working on yourself and getting help from the professionals in your life. Call or chat anytime you want to talk further.
This is a safe space to share what's on your mind and to get support from real people.
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