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Hello, I'll begin this with a rather insignificant issue compared to what will come next. Names - My real name, E, makes me uncomfortable now that I have learnt that I am not female or male, I am demisexual and gender-neutral/sliding (I use all pronouns, it's a work in progress figuring it out) and I prefer my online nickname, N, much better but I'm scared I will be told "That's not your name or even a nickname, shut up and use your REAL name" and I just wanna strangle something. Alright, Let's start with more serious things, such as "Golden Child Syndrome". I am not sure if I have to explain it. I have experienced the more heavy effects of the issue after being consistently put on a lot of stress to succeed and stay at the top. I had broken down crying because of a poor grade this year and I was terrified, the teacher felt pity but also thought I was overdramatic. But I knew that if it happened too often I would get a lot of problems from my parents, Luckily one time mistakes aren't payed much attention to but I need to be careful and cried because of it. I notice Golden Child Syndrome also by how they treat my older brother, they constantly say that they haven't given up on me yet and hope I won't be like my brother, and I feel a lot of pity for him, but luckily he doesn't have as much attention on him to perform well. He's already almost graduating (next year) so there's nothing my parent's can do about the grades as they are set in stone for him so he doesn't have to worry. We both agree that our dad and step-mom are kind of crazy but we can't do anything, we just take the money that they give us to pay for college and get out when we can. I am just starting highschool and a part of me is terrified, and the other says "nothing new, just get on with life to not cause any new issues you lazy sack of garbage. Not like you are traumatized, you don't even remember much about your biological mom hitting you." I used to be physically abused by my mother but my dad took us away from her which is one of the two things I'm grateful for (the second being money). My father seems to be emotionally abusive with the lack of sympathy, the pressure put on me, the shit-talking of my brother, having the balls to call me and my brother "abusive" and that we take advantage of him by not doing our chores. Yes, we got called abusive for not doing our chores. This is not the end of the stories. I got told "You'll get fat" and "You have a lot of acne from all the shit you eat" even though I am not obese or even chubby. I have a decent weight for my age and my acne is much less than many other people have, I have like 4 pimples at a time which is not a lot. I feel quite lucky in a way that it's only emotional and in a way I learnt a lot from it and toughened up a bit. But really I don't think anybody should have to deal with this. Another issue is emotional dysregulation, I have a lot of issues when watching movies, especially at school, dealing with any embarrassing situations. Any situation that causes embarrassment of anybody puts me in a very uncomfortable state where I have to plug my ears and keep moving them to not hear it and close my eyes so I don't imagine it and continue being uncomfortable. On the other hand things that make most people sad I feel quite emotionless at. I can also feel quite blank at things that make people happy, I can kind of flip emotions and emotionlessness like a switch unless it deals with embarrassment. I could probably practice the switch with embarrasment like I did with anger (calm down enough to trigger the switch) but haven't tried it yet. That switch made me call myself emotionless at a certain point until I realized a better title would be dysregulation. I had a few people ask if I had ADHD and personally, I do not know and I am not diagnosed, but I do have a lot of symptoms that cause genuine problems but I cannot self diagnose. My dad would not let me get an official diagnosis because "the moment you get in contact with a therapist it's on your record and you lose a lot of opportunities" even though as another friend said, You don't actually lose opportunities...I think, I don't even know anymore on what to believe and what's the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if you do lose opportunities, but there are movements to allow opportunities to everyone so I am not even sure. Being a 14 year old who is gifted and has possible ADHD is hard. Speaking of being a student, let's talk about my opinion of other people. I find them boring and irritating, every single one of them (except the people I have befriended, I befriended them because I saw they weren't the boring gossipmonger types that didn't have anything better to do than to talk bad about other people and spread rumors created by them or other people). I know not everybody is gossipy but if they aren't gossipy, there is most likely another trait they have that is annoying (such as that one dumb jock that keeps talking to me as if we are friends). Anyway, unlike most people I absolutely LOVED online school, because I always had issues with taking care of myself. I can't find motivation to brush my hair so I constantly put it in a hairstyle that doesn't get it tangled in the first place so I only need to run my hand through it. I have went months like that and my hair always looks good as it doesn't get tangled in the first place. I have random rare spurs of motivation to do things that I normally don't so those take care of needing to brush out strands of hair that fell out but didn't get brushed away. Luckily I got into a habit of brushing my teeth at night (mornings that aren't school are a work in progress) so I have decent hygiene, because combined with daily showers (every 2 days shampoo) I am clean. That may be too much information but the "can't get motivated" is gonna come into my next topic, my possible depression. I had thoughts of suicide before (they have stopped, and I'm getting better at taking care of myself) and had almost stabbed myself in an impulsive rage after an argument (my brother stopped me, and the argument was with my dad who went outside for a moment when I angrily grabbed the knife). I had a lot less arguments happen after I slowly got into a habit of doing the simple things that they ask and not forgetting or simply not doing it because my body wouldn't move for unknown reasons even though I know I would have problems. Which allowed me breathing room and I felt a lot better, a lot more stable with less arguments. I may be one of the few people that genuinely enjoyed quarantine, well, other than the fact that I was stuck with my family. I'm worried on what will happen once I leave, because I have a younger autistic step brother and I'm scared on what pressures they might put on him. Currently he is around 9 and he does get a lot of free passes but he also has the regular punishments (if he starts throwing a tantrum he will be threatened to be hit) and once he is able to speak in coherent sentences those free passes might disappear and I'm worried. Why must life be this painful? That's not mentioning parents not supporting LGBTQ (they won't get in the way but they don't support it) and when I asked them about things like DID, they called it schizophrenia and it really got on my nerves. I just...don't know anymore Thank you for reading this rant aha, pain go brr
That's a lot for any one person to be dealing with, but lets see if we can start the process of getting you some help. The most serious thing in here would be the thoughts of suicide you used to have, luckily you no longer do, but if that happens you need to reach out for help to an organization like The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK. It sounds like this issue along with some of your other issues would be helped by mental health therapy. I know what you said about your Dad and what he thinks, however, therapy is private and between you and your therapist. The only way schools or potential employers would know that you've been in therapy would be if you choose to tell them. Maybe start off your high school experience by meeting with your school guidance counselor and see if that is any help to you. Taking care of yourself on a daily basis is important for your health and mental well being so taking care of your Activities of Daily Living is something that would be helpful for you. As far as your name goes, try to make your decision based on what your comfortable with. If that means you don't want to use it online because your worried about the reaction of others, that is ok, if that is what you choose to do, but don't allow others to dictate how you present yourself if you are comfortable being online as N. It's ok to be picky with who you choose to be friends with and you can (much like your name) choose to be friends with who you are comfortable being friends with. As far as a golden child syndrome, no one is or ever will be perfect, so instead of trying to be perfect, try to pick goals that challange you but also don't beat yourself up if you fall short of those goals and try harder again next time. This of course is just a brief overview of the things you are going through and as previously stated mental health therapy would be something that could help you much further with everything you are dealing with if you could get your father to be supportive and go along with it. Call or text us anytime at 888-222-2228.
Thank you, I feel slightly scared talking to school counselors because they are mandated reporters and I do not want them to tell anybody about what happens. But therapy definitely would be nice, I really want to get help but schools have mandated reporting, and I wouldn't be able to get to a private one.
Thank you for your reply, it really helped me feel better
I won't let anyone dictate my life, I'll safely get out of this situation and life a full and healthy life!
I'll be able to choose what I want to do, who I surround myself with, and what my place in life will be.
I tend to lose motivation about goals so thank you for your comment on goals as well, I'll try not to beat myself up over it.
(PS: My nickname and real name seem to have been edited out, I don't know if this is an accident or not but thank you because I wasn't thinking straight while writing those names ahaha. E is definitely not an actual name I hope)
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