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Thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear this. It must be really difficult and hurtful. This might be one of those things unfortunately that could be a problem until you are 18 and move out. In the meantime, who else in your family can you lean on? … mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins? How much can you keep your distance from your dad at home? Do you have a counselor at school that you can regularly go to and talk about this for assistance? You can call or text our 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline to talk about this more. We are here 24/7 at 888-222-2228. It definitely seems like you need further guidance with this and it would be easier to discuss in a conversational manner. Wishing you the best…

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I feel you. I hate my dad.

I've hated him since I was probably around eight years old, and I'm almost 18 now. He's a smoker and has severe smoking withdrawals that make him extremely verbally aggressive towards my mom, my younger sister, and myself. I'm not allowed to see any of my friends and I'm rarely allowed to go out unless it is to school. If I ever do manage to make it out of this crazy house for even an hour, my father will use that as leverage against me in an argument or something of the sort. I'm not allowed to use my phone or laptop unless it is under his direct supervision and for homework/studying only. I'm not allowed to use any devices privately, or even sit in my room unless I'm sleeping. I am constantly under his peering eyes. He makes me update him on what exactly I am doing when using an electronic device, oftentimes to the page number or paragraph of an assignment to track my progress, watching and criticizing my every move. He's gone through my phone-- he made me tell him my password-- and he's taken photos of things out of context and asked me about them, usually resulting in him screaming at me. Point being, I have no privacy at all.

My father is ungrateful for everything we do for him-- he was diagnosed with COVID-19 recently and we've been taking care of him, yet he's still screaming at everyone and making us all feel terrible. He screams and shouts to the point where we're all afraid of him. I'm a pretty decent daughter-- up until the point that I've gotten this depressed, I was an honors student with pretty good grades, respectful, and helped around the house. My father most likely has some sort of psychological disorder-- given that his brother was killed and his sister is schizophrenic, there's plenty of reasoning both genetically and environmentally to believe that he should see a therapist, but he refuses. He needs some serious help, and so do I; I don't know how much longer I can take this. Every time he opens his mouth, it's so aggressive that I usually end up crying. Most days, I cry for hours because of him. I've yet to go a mere week without breaking down because of things that he says or does. I had issues with self-harm because of him that are starting to resurface.

I've reached my breaking point, and I've done some things that have put my life at risk because of him. I've overdosed a few times and just barely woken up-- for the record, no one in my family has even ever acknowledged it since it happened, and it just flew over their heads. I feel like a slave, like a verbal punching bag, like I'm trapped in this cage that I can't escape. My mother is one of the most non-confrontational and patient of people, and even she has started to lose her mind because of him. Breaking plates, slamming doors, screaming back and forth constantly-- it's draining just watching this unfold with my parents, let alone when he's screaming at me for just about anything.

I also feel like my "daddy issues" contribute to how I oversexualize myself, as I've seen it's a common trait for girls like myself in similar situations. I yearn for sexual gratification from any boy, and I oversexualize myself to achieve it. It doesn't help that my dad thinks I'm a slut and shames me for anything I wear, even things that aren't provoking at all but just so happen to look a certain way because of my body. He's painted me out to be this promiscuous teenage girl, and he represses me with misogynist threats of "no husband ever wanting me if I'm not pure", amongst other things.

I used to find solace in my religion, but he's begun to force that on me as well. I used to pray on my own and enjoy having some peace of mind, but now that he forces me to do so I've never been farther from my faith. I feel guilty, but the more he forces me the less inclined I am to do it. The same goes for running; he's created a forced routine for me to pray in the morning and then run 1-2 miles. I used to love running, but now that he forces me to even if I'm tired or planning to work out later instead I find both things almost repulsive.

I've probably forgotten a million other things that he's done, but I'm on the verge of giving up and I don't know what to do.

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Thank you for sharing and being supportive to someone going through a similar situation. I’m sorry to hear this. It must be really difficult to deal with for such a long time. Like our other guest who shared, this could be one of those things unfortunately that could be a problem until you are 18 and move out. It sounds like you are so close.
I’m not sure if you read the reply to this post so I will point out the same questions- Who else in your family can you lean on? How much can you keep your distance from your dad at home? Do you have a counselor at school that you can regularly go to and talk about this for assistance?
Please call or text our 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline to talk about this more. We are here 24/7 at 888-222-2228 (tel:888-222-2228).

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