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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. Im 20 and he is 19. We have been in a long distance relationship for a while so of course during that time I expected him to watch porn (even tho he never directly told me). Then once I moved closer and we would see each other like 4 times a week (and usually every time we see each other we do stuff). A couple of months into our relationship we talk about this subject and I told him how it makes me feel, which is this: I am really uncomfortable and against porn, and I find it disrespectful if in a relationship one of us watch porn. So he said he would respect that decision, even because we do have a healthy relationship and we do have sex all the time, so there is no NEED to watch porn on the few times that we dont have sex. So after that, when the topic would come up, I would casually be like "so how is it going with the whole porn situation," and he goes "I stopped watching it after what we talked about and after I knew how it makes u feel. SO from that convo I felt relieved, but in the back of my mind I still had doubts. Obviously the thought of him watching other girls naked and LIKING it makes me very sad and very insecure. Considering the fact that our sex life is good, nothing is missing, and we do it alot. So yesterday, he told me to search something up on his phone on siri. And siri automativvaly opened up to his safari, and there it was PORN!!! I was shook. It felt as if he had cheated on me. At first he tried to tell me that it was from a long time ago but once he realized that was just stupid to believe, he went on by saying his sorries and he was so sad and crying because he saw me besides him, I was into pieces. So then he told me that he watched it rarely (another thing that I dont believe). And he said he used to watch it the days before we used to see each other so that he would last longer for me. The trust is definately gone afterthis, because he was alwasy lying to me when I used to ask him, for months!! and he knew how it made me feel, and yet he does it. Then he said that he would do it for "something extra" and that made me feel like i wasnt good enough. SInce that day, the image of that girl in the porn video is stuck in my head and I feel like he wont ever tell me the truth about it. He said that now he will stop because he knows how it made me feel (yet he said that last time and look what happened). SO am I just going to have to live knowing that he watches other girls and accept it? I cant stop thinking about it and since then I have not been able to love him at 100% and idk what to do... he said he will do everything for me to have my trust back.. but i dont know what to do, cause after all Im never gonna know if he is doing it or not. This time it was really by chance that U found out. Im scared that he will continue watching it and just be sneakier about it. WHy.... is it normal for someone in a HEALTHY relationship to watch porn??
I'm really glad you reached out for some support! It sounds like you're feeling really hurt and betrayed by your boyfriend. To answer your question up front, yes, it is normal for someone in a healthy, satisfying relationship to enjoy porn. Even though we may be in a relationship with someone we deeply care about and love (and are sexually attracted to) it's still very human for us to want to have our own solo sexual experiences, and sometimes that might include a visual aid like porn. Watching porn occasionally doesn’t imply that someone has a lacking sex life or are unappreciative of their partners. It might be helpful to examine your beliefs and expectations around porn and masturbation. Does your boyfriend finding sexual videos/images of women arousing mean that he loves you less? That it makes you sexually inadequate? Does that idea extend to his masturbating in general? In other words, does your boyfriend wanting to enjoy a solo sexual experience in any context mean that you’re not good enough for him? Are porn and masturbation only acceptable in cases where your boyfriend doesn’t have immediate access to you? Does your own discomfort with porn impact these beliefs to any extent? Narrowing down these implicit beliefs may help you to consider whether or not they need to be adjusted or updated.
It’s also important to reflect on what makes this so emotionally activating for you, or what fears may lay behind it. For example, is there a belief that that your boyfriend choosing to watch porn means that he’s losing interest in you? That he’s more likely to cheat on you? If the worry of your boyfriend watching porn is tied up in the possibility of losing him, it can be beneficial to have a conversation with him directly about it. It sounds like you view porn to be a direct threat to your relationship, so it makes sense how much his watching it would be painful for you! However, there’s a greater likelihood that your worth in the relationship and your boyfriend’s sexuality have little to do with each other. Please be gentle with yourself as you and your boyfriend navigate this issue together. You can reach out to us anytime via call or text at 888-222-2228. Thank you for contacting 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline!
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